Let’s play, ‘Let’s sensationalise a new enemy to get people worried because the elections are coming up’…

For 1.324 billion players, ages whenever-you-start-suffering and up

 

Components and Setup

 

Welcome to India! This list of rules was conceived to allow you to play the game as fast as possible, or at least before the 2019 elections. After reading it, you will be able to explain and play the game.

 

To begin, we need to learn about the set up the game, something that has taken about 71 years in the game in its present form, and about 5,200 years of stone age civilizations, Indus Valley and the Harrapans, and the Vedic periods, and the Magadh dynasties, and Alexander the Not-So-Great, and the Mauryas and Guptas and Kadambas and a couple of religious offshoots, and the Rajputs, and the Mughals, and the British Raj and Independence.

 

Before you begin playing ‘Let’s sensationalise a new enemy to get people worried because the elections are coming up’, familiarise yourself with the Constitution of India. This might take a few weeks, or even a few months to complete. This is a very important document that will determine your freedoms as a “Citizen” (player) of this game. All the rules of this document must be followed, unless the ruling party decides that the rules are not important, in which case, you will be arrested for following them.

 

The gameboard is a detailed interior sketch of the Indian Parliament. Citizens begin outside the building, and, depending on units earned, move inside and towards the front of the House.

 

A pack of “Real Issues” cards (discussed further below).

 

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Overview and goal of the game

 

The goal of ‘Let’s sensationalise a new enemy to get people worried because the elections are coming up’ as a Citizen is to ensure that a majority of other Citizens remain unsettled enough, so that, by the time of the 2019 Indian General Election in April/May 2019, the country is scared into re-electing an authoritarian power.

 

Gameplay

 

Not all Citizens are equal. Some Citizens will have more turns in each turn than others. Read the Appendix Ranking of Citizens further below. 

 

Starting with the highest-ranking Citizen, the current Citizen does the following actions in any order, and after following the allocated number of turns mentioned in the Ranking of Citizens, it will be the next Citizen’s turn, and so on and so forth. The actions for each turn are:

 

1.     Play a “Real Issues” Card: Citizen in turn must play a “Real Issues” card that must be successfully distracted away from. Some examples of these cards include:

a.     Failing economy: rising prices of fuel and vegetables, slowing GDP rate, suffering value of the local currency vs. the US Dollar.

b.     Debilitating Poverty, Hunger, and Economic Imbalance: This is a permanent issue and a card that will always return to the game no matter how many times it is played.

c.     Climate Change: Easily debunked, however, when the Supreme Leader says: “Climate has not changed. We have changed.”

d.     Pollution: Finally reaching number one on the global charts.

e.     Rising Intolerance between communities of different religions and castes: Some Citizens might consider this to be a strength of the gameboard.

f.      Treatment of Women: Female foeticide, denial of education, rape, forced marriage, more rape, more molestation, domestic abuse, domestic rape, lack of employment, income disparity, forced divorce, forced to live a suppressed widowed life, and rape.

g.     Illiteracy / failing education system

h.     Overpopulation: There are too many people complaining about too many people because there are too many people.

i.      Political corruption

j.      Hygiene and sanitation: Not “swachh” enough yet.

 

2.     Create a new Outrage: Outrages are the main driving component of the game. A successful outrage is one that doesn’t exist in the usual day-to-day gameplay of the Citizens, but can be manifested to create turmoil on the gameboard. The best Outrages work in antithesis to the Citizen’s intellectual common sense (but then again, you’d be playing ‘Let’s create a functioning society’ if you wanted to apply common sense to your actions). Some example successful Outrages include:

a.     Anything that offends a cow. Bovine creatures are obviously the most important beings in the game, ranking higher than gods, humans, and minorities. Cheeseburgers and steaks and beef momos and gaumas kebabs are offensive. Leather belts and sandals and jackets are offensive. The disregard of cow urine is offensive. However, player may not mention common facts about the beef economy, such as India being the highest beef exporter in the world. Any such intellectualisation will result in a skipped turn. 

b.     A film or book or piece of art (mainstream or niche) that supposedly insults a small subsection of society for religious reasons. Don’t worry if your chosen piece of art is actually insulting; in game-play, all that matters is if you convince the other Citizens to make up their minds before they have a chance of watching/reading/experiencing the art for themselves.

c.     Anything that invokes historical wrong to those unaffected in modern times. A basic rule of thumb here is: the more ancient this invocation, the more unremarkable its modern effects, the more effective this Outrage will be. Think in the lines of “Emperor Babur took ordered a village woman to be his courtesan in 1527, so I have a right to kill everyone who has read a book about him in 2018.”

d.     Anything that involves people of different religions, castes, or social strata getting married to each other.

e.     Anything that involves people of the same gender having relations with each other.

f.      Anything that involves a gender choice that makes any other unaffected subsection of Citizens irrationally uncomfortably.

g.     Anyone who interprets millennia old books/teachings on religion differently than the official interpretation by the Citizen holding the ‘Spiritual Card’. Read more about the ‘Spiritual Card Citizen’ in the Ranking of Citizens below.

h.     Anyone that rejects religion altogether.

 

3.     Stoking the flame: After Citizen has chosen the appropriate Outrage, the next step is to “stoke the flame”, like one would on a chulha cooking stove. Citizen in play must ensure maximum over-stimulation of their chosen Outrage based on their Access Cards. With this move, the Outrage can be shared as gossip in local communities, on WhatsApp to go viral online, or make it to the evening debate with Arnab Goswami.

 

The most successful “stokes” will be the ones that are faked. This is a special level achieved by skilled players to turn untruths into truths and still ensure an Outrage with maximum emotional/physical violence.

 

4.     New Enemy Sensationalised: Now that the flame has been stoked, it is time for the Citizen to create a New Enemy on the game-board that distracts other Citizens from their ‘Real Issues’ card. New Enemy brackets are on the side of the game-board, and include entities such as:

a.     Pakistan

b.     Kashmir

c.     JNU Students

d.     Naxals

e.     Pakistan

f.      Intellectuals

g.     Anyone who reads books about Naxals

h.     Anyone who reads any books

i.      China

j.      Muslims who marrying Hindus

k.     Pakistan

l.      Low-caste Hindus marrying high-caste Hindus

m.   Bangladeshi migrants

n.     Liberal Media

o.     NGOs

p.     Comedians

q.     Beef Eaters

r.      Pakistan

 

Game points are earned when any of the above ‘Enemies’ are stoked in the forms detailed in Part 3 above (WhatsApp, Arnab, etc.). The discrepancy between “Real Issue” vs. “New Enemy” will be the Worry Quotient in the game, and will reflect directly on the number of points that the Citizen will earn per turn. This will be the unit that the Citizen will move per turn—higher and closer towards the ultimate goal of higher political office.

 

Game end and final scoring

 

The object of the game is to move seats closer to the front of the house, one by one, earning more power and influence in the game. Citizens move up to local MLAs, to chief ministers, to cabinet positions, all the way to the Prime Ministerial seat!

 

The player highest up in the House has the ability to cause the most Worry Quotient, and thus, ensure that a new enemy has been sensationalised before the next elections!

 

Appendix: Ranking of Citizens

 

Cows

Rich Hindus

Godmen (‘Spiritual Card Citizen’)

Actual Gods

Brahmins (‘Spiritual Card Citizen’)

Rich Everyone Else

Other ‘touchable’ Hindu castes

Sikhs

Buddhists

Christians

Other religions

North-Easterners

Real Naxals

Urban Naxals

Dalits

Muslims

Tribals

Kashmiri Muslims

Terrorists

Anti-Nationals

Beef eaters

 

Enjoy ‘Let’s sensationalise a new enemy to get people worried because the elections are coming up’! But don’t enjoy too much because the game will be banned. Make it a sanskari enjoyment, you know?